I Feel Small

We pulled up to the beautiful home, chatty and enjoying ourselves – my friend and I. As we walked to the door, I noticed how pristine it all was without being stuffy. There were little signs of life all over, and I appreciated that. We knocked. She opened. And I became instantly and painfully aware of my rolled up jeans, knock-off Toms, two day old top knot, and sweaty, pregnant body. They were all dressed, in my eyes, for more.

I sat in a room full of gracious, fun, transparent women. We laughed together, set some troubles out before each other, and talked a little about our journeys as bloggers and writers. It was a genuinely great evening, but on the car ride home as my friend and I digested it all, I blurted out, “And I don’t know why, but being there in that room with those women who have published books [friend included] and done big bloggy things, I feel small.”

Without missing a beat, she said, “You need to write from there.”

That was more than a month ago. I haven’t written from there yet because I’ve been trying to process what that even meant, why I felt it – why I feel it, WHEN I feel it. I’ve been asking God for the eyes to see MYSELF more clearly, and what I am uncovering is sticky, unclear, and all around is causing me to ask questions that I really don’t feel excited about learning the answers to.

As I hopped into the shower that evening, I began to ask myself why. Why did I feel so small when all I received from the other women present was warmth and kindness and welcome? This was about me, not them. So, why?

Because I felt like I had nothing to bring to the table. I feel small when I have nothing to offer – when I have not achieved as much, when I am not known.

And there it was: gross, raw, unearthed truth. I am still all wrapped up in trying hard, keeping up, being more. I still haven’t learned to accept grace in it’s fullness. I still don’t receive, accept, and enjoy gifts without feeling like I need to do, give, contribute something in return. Why? And what does THAT mean?

What about you? Do you ever feel small? I challenge you to think about when you feel small and dig deep into the things that trigger those feelings because there’s a pretty good chance there is a thing hiding behind that smallness that our God wants to heal!

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