So, I’m on this quest to discover how to still be who I am – like deep down in my soul and being – and also wipe tiny hineys all day long…and not feel annoyed by it. Mostly, this feels impossible. The wiping of tiny hineys? Not my thing. Pinching them, smacking them, tickling them? Totally fine with that.
As I journey through this, I am realizing that all of these gifts, talents, and abilities – all this purpose – well, sometimes I romanticize the whole lot of them. I make them into these spectacular, wonderful, go out and change the world things. It’s not that they aren’t. Or can’t be. Or won’t be. It’s just that I want some way to qualify what God has tasked me with. I want to know – am I doing it well? What He is gently nudging me towards is the fact that I have the freedom to be the person AND the mama I am….at the same time.
Here’s the truth:
- I do not read a hundred articles about to vaccinate or not to vaccinate. I have read a few, but more importantly, I prayed about and found myself a great pediatrician whom I trust. I do what he recommends that I do. Period.
- I am considering using essential oils because it seems like they work, not because I’m afraid of traditional medicine.
- Sometimes I do cute crafts with my kids – for twenty minutes – because I cannot roll that stupid ball again.
- I think the whole “Great moms have dirty houses” deal is stupid. I am a woman of order. Josh is a Hunk of EXTREME order. Sure, there are things we let go of because our kids are tiny, human wrecking balls – but I don’t have to have a dirty house to be a good mom, thankyouverymuch. On the flip side, if you’re down with a dirty house – you can be a good mama, too. See how that works?
- I take my kids outside to play. I push them on the swings. I laugh with them. I do. But that is not my whole life every single day. And I am learning not to feel guilty about it. I am learning that I can still be their good mama because God put us together on purpose.
- I’ve read two parenting books. I really liked them, and they were helpful, but I do not attend numerous Bible Studies about parenting and/or mothering. I fully support you if you do, but all that information overwhelms me and tempts me to force my kids into some sort of predetermined role. And it makes me feel like my only job in life is to mold these tiny humans…and like I will forever and always suck at it. Granted, this is the most demanding role of my life right now – but isn’t it possible that plowing deeper into my relationship with Jesus will be enough to help me do that effectively?
- I bake with my kids – because I love to bake and I’m pretty good at it. I let them into my world as much as I focus on entering theirs. We are a family. We pick up the toys in the living room before Daddy gets home [sometimes] because it makes him happy. I play Candy Land with Adelle because it makes her happy. I sing The Wheels on the Bus eight HUNDRED times a day with Marilee because it makes her happy. Isn’t it more important that I make room for all my family to be who they are – including myself – than to feed them all perfectly prepared organic food? Unless doing so happens to be my jam?
- At the same time, there is much room for improvement. For less of me and more of Jesus in my mothering. MUCH room. And I have to keep a close eye on my motives behind a Facebook feed full of my everyday life – which happens to be the littles at this point in time. Am I using them to make myself feel important? Like I matter? Like my life is exactly what it should be? The accepting of who I am as a mother does not negate the need for change.
Does this make sense? Be the parent YOU are. That’s what I’m saying. On this quest to discover who I am and how God wants to use me, it has occurred to me that I get to be that person in every facet of my life…and because God is so cool and plans for everything – that person is exactly who Adelle, Marilee, and soon Jude need around to shepherd them through these years. Phew.
This post inspired in part by: