I am growing weary. The day started off as well as a day can be started, I suppose, but something usually goes awry somewhere around nap time. It’s when my “nice” runs out and I begin making do with “not-mean”. The girls’ voices begin to scratch across my already raw nerves. I begin looking for ways to escape. Another cup of coffee, another episode of…whatever, a book, a nap – anything that takes me away from living in this space where there is an ever-depleting supply of “not-mea”n.
Sometimes I remind myself that there isn’t healing in escape – there’s only numbing. Once the numbing wears off, I’ll still be staring down the long hole of unhappy, frustration, loneliness, and not-enough. So, I read some blogs or some books. They are all very good blogs and books written by good, godly women. For a few minutes I feel connected and am often reminded to think about God and all He has to offer. I am pointed to truth by their words.
But if I fail to go to the source of all truth, I’ll never walk away healed. I’ll always just be limping along with sometimes-not-mean, sometimes-not-miserable. It’s just that – sitting down to study God’s Word – to look for Truth just as it is, as He has always intended it be means that I might have to face this reality with all my not-enoughs, and my loneliness, and my frustrations, and my confusions – I might have to embrace them instead of escape them. I might have to look at all the ways I am responsible for their existence in my life. I will have to, once again, decide whether or not I believe God is good, kind, and loving – and I’ll not be able to find a word in the Bible that tells me He is not.
I cannot begin to tell you how dangerous it is to spend your days in the words of good, godly people without seeking out Truth for yourself. Really, really dangerous. None of us has it ALL right. And none of us is divine. The words of mere mortals are not a substitute for the infallable, living, active Word of God.
I won’t pretend that it’s a small task, that it isn’t overwhelming, that it’s always warm and snuggly. It’s none of those things, but it is True, and the Truth will set you free.
Truth: Today during nap time I read 4 verses in Genesis instead of watching another episode of Bones. I am not healed, but I was faithful. I’m going to trust God with the rest.