Not letting go

Last Tuesday, I allowed them to dope me up again, put me to sleep, and cut into me. Is that unnerving to anyone else? I think it’s the lack of control I have that bothers me so much. We know about me and control, right? But, I came through it. They took my gallbladder out and found a sneaky hernia and fixed that while they were at it. Holes poked all up in my belly. Excellent.

1-2 days, they said. You’ll be up and around in 1-2 days. They lied. We’re on Day 6 and I still need a good long nap in the afternoon, my incisions are still sore, and I finally found a comfortable side sleeping position last night. This isn’t shocking for me. I do not heal as quickly as most people, which I find highly annoying. I’m not one of those gals who lies around well. I used to have a medal in “Idol Hands”. I was really good at doing nothing. Motherhood, it seems, stripped that title from me. Now all of this lying around frustrates me and, quite frankly, gives me way too much time to think. My friend, Lindsey, wrote a great post about the amount of time you have to do so as a stay at home mom and how that can be tricky. It turns out that when you literally sit by yourself in a room for days at a time, you get bored with the research and the reading and the daydreaming so you start peaking in the dark corners of your mind and heart.

Watch. out.

I cried over a Facebook post this morning because everything is floating at the surface. I dug too much. Or I dug the amount I should have a long time ago. I’m still working all of that out.

Last night in between frustrated sobs, I started saying this to God, “Enough! That’s enough. I’m so sick and tired of our family being attacked. You make it stop right now! ENOUGH! Pause. But I want you to be glorified. And I will keep looking for you everywhere, in every situation. I. will. not. let. go. Pause. But could you please cut us some slack???”

And right now I’m grateful. Grateful that He uses a surgery and a length[ier than expected] recovery to do a little spring cleaning in my heart and mind. To remind me that I’m not “fine” but that I am blessed. To show me, again, that He is in control. To draw me into deep and honest conversation with Him. To take away the busyness so that I must do some serious wrestling and deal with some issues in my heart that have to be resolved for me to move forward in my relationship with Him. I am grateful that I can fuss at Him and say things like, “Enough,” and He loves me in the middle of it. I’m thankful that He brings me back around to “But…”

Mostly, I’m grateful that HE. will. not. let. go!

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