Roller Coaster of Epic Proportions

The past month has been a roller coaster of epic proportions.  That’s why I’ve been MIA.

First I was entirely too nauseated to write.  I was pregnant.  Very early but very pukey-fied.

And then I was entirely too sad to write.  And it all felt like too much to look at in formed letters on a screen.

At around seven weeks I miscarried.  Well that seems like the wrong term.  At around seven weeks that sweet baby’s heart stopped beating.  They told me at the ultrasound…bless that young technician’s heart.  I think she might have wanted to throw up.

The P.A. came in and broke the news I had already seen for myself.  The news God had already sweetly prepared me for in my heart.  During the wait for the P.A. – the time where I knew what was happening but had not officially been informed – I frantically kept praying that God would help me respond in a way that honored Him.  Not trying to be stoic and keep my emotions in check but not conveying any sort of hopelessness either.

Because all along there was peace.

And all I could keep repeating to the P.A. between ugly cry sobs was, “It’s hard.  But God is faithful.  It’ll be okay.”  Over and over again I repeated it.  I needed to keep saying it.

She said things about a procedure and I could wait to see if my body took care of it and time won’t change anything.

Later on I realized that she thought I thought God’s faithfulness equaled Him restoring a heartbeat.  That if I waited He would prove His faithfulness and fix all of this.

What she didn’t understand that He didn’t need to prove His faithfulness.  I was simply stating what I knew to be truth.  Good.  Bad.  Ugly.  God is faithful.

He allowed this.  And He is good.

And that’s where the peace came from.

After the first day of numbness there were several days of deep hurt.  Of thinking about what might’ve been.  Of boy or girl?  Of silly or serious?  Of blue eyes or green?  When you’ve never met your baby, all you have is what might’ve been.  And it turns out that’s really hard to lose, too.

I found out on a Thursday.  The procedure wasn’t until Tuesday.  The waiting made the whole thing seem more tragic.  Certainly more psychologically trying.

But God was faithful.  Not in ways that are obvious to other people.  But in ways that are glaringly obvious to me.

When you want to be angry at your Hunk for not being at the appointment – even though he’d already seen the baby at the previous appointment and had no clue anything was wrong – but somehow God allows you to see that this is a defining moment in your marriage.  To drive a wedge or drive you closer together.  And you manage to pray that He would help you find a way for the driving closer thing to win.  And just in the nick of time, it does.

That’s obviously God’s faithfulness.

Or when all you want to do is lay in bed and sleep until it’s all over but somehow you still manage to spend time with the sweet child you DO have every day.

That’s obviously God’s faithfulness.

Or when people you didn’t know you could rely on pop up all over the place and take care of you and your and grieve with you – fully and completely.  And cover you in prayers.

That’s obviously God’s faithfulness.

Or when you are lying in a hospital bed after signing forms about funerals and exploring the remains and your emotions are all scary and screamy and the nurse comes and sticks you TWICE, and fails TWICE, while inserting your I.V. and all you can do is pray, “Please don’t let me lose it right here.  Please, Lord, please.”  And you close your eyes and you’re magically transported to the beach.  Like, you can smell the air and hear the waves and the sea gulls and your baby girl’s laugh as she runs back and forth into the surf.  And The Hunk reaches over and grabs your hand in real life but you only see it happening at the beach.  And you don’t lose it.  And the next nurse that sticks you knows what she’s doing and you don’t feel a darn thing.

That’s obviously God’s faithfulness.

Or when you wake up from the procedure TO-tally expecting a full on meltdown but all you experience is peace.  And gratefulness for this life.  And this family that makes your life so full.

That’s obviously God’s faithfulness.

Or when your Hunk spontaneously scheduled a cruise a few months ago that will whisk the two of you away on the waves of Caribbean bliss for five whole days…not even a week after said procedure.  And that will be followed by the healing balm that is Louisiana air, culture, life, and family.  And crawfish.

That’s obviously God’s faithfulness.

There’s more but I’ll stop there.  I think you get the picture.  Life is broken but God is good.

And it’s gonna be a few more weeks before you hear from me again what with all the Caribbean love rekindling and Louisiana crawfish healing I’ll be partaking in.  I’m going to be all wrapped up in living and not quite so concerned about recording it.

I’ll be back, though, and we’ll continue on this journey of learning more about ourselves and more about our God.

Love y’all like crazy!
Em

5 thoughts on “Roller Coaster of Epic Proportions

  1. Em, as always…your words are truthful and powerful. I have been there…about a year and a half before we got pregnant with Camille. We miscarried at 8 weeks and, afterward, couldn't get pregnant for over a year…with doctors telling me we were normal, healthy, and offering no explanation. Nothing pulls you down more than losing a child…but your testament phrases so poetically how God can and DOES pull you back up. I am here to talk if you ever need to as you move through the healing process. Thank you for this post…for those of us who still need to know we're not the only ones.

  2. Em, I am so sorry for your loss! You write so incredibly eloquently–word pictures are one of your specialties! Enjoy your time with Josh–I know that your sweet girl will be in very good hands between your mom and molly. The cruise sounds heavenly (or at least heaven on Earth)

    Hope we get to say hello while you are in LA. Your posts over the past several months have been such a balm to me. thank you for sharing of yourself!!

  3. Thanks for sharing. I'm cried reading it because I've been there before, felt those feelings before and yet God is so faithful. You are so eloquent with your words. Will be praying for you- enjoy that cruise.

    Glory Baby by Watermark..listen…it was such crying and healing for me.

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