I’m writing something. Yes I am yes I am yes I am.
But the words are not flowing freely. They are tangled and awkard and frustrated and kinda tired. But still I must write because – well just because I must.
Here I sit. Frumpy from head to toe – within and without. Blow dried but unstyled, uncolored, lifeless hair. Same outfit I wore yesterday. Papers strewn haphazardly across the desk. House uncleaned since our return to this [still not my favorite] state. Dinner preparation drawing annoyingly near.
This week the slacker-loser syndrome has reigned supreme in my soul and spilled over in the midst of more than one embarassing breakdown witnessed [thank goodness] only by The Hunk. My heart is heavy. My soul is saggy. Kinda like this…
All awkardly stuck in a box and wondering why in the HECK no one is helping me out of it?! Except I don’t look nearly this cute.
So I continue to push back – to scramble for the toothpicks of positive thinking to hold up that which is heavy and saggy. Poor toothpicks don’t stand a chance. Grace. Grace is what I need.
When I’m feeling blue I tend to withdraw. That’d be why you haven’t heard from me. That’d be why I seriously considered scrapping this whole writing thing. Why The Hunk had to talk me off the ledge…had to convince me that this is something I’m supposed to doing. I’m still not entirely convinced but I am asking God to convince me…if it really is what He wants me to do.
And just when I was ready to throw in the towel on my final attempt to fill this window with some words, I read the “About Me” seciton for the soon to be launched keepinitdownanddirty.com [assuming God does His convincing or I do my faith leaping or both] and these sentences gripped me,
And I can only promise you one thing – I will ALWAYS keep it down and dirty real. The truth is all I have to offer. I will not embellish, veil, or photoshop the details of my triumphs or my failures…because it is in the heart breaking, life-giving, joy inducing arms of truth that I find freedom.
“Tell the truth,” God said. So this is it, the uneloquent, unfunny truth of my right now. The good news is that at some point I will look back in amazement at God’s ability to help me see new and better truth amidst my saggy spirit.
Saggy. What a terrible word.
I just had Adam read this post so he wouldn't think that I'm the only crazy out there! I've been struggling with writing my thesis and it has caused more than one breakdown in the last week or so :/ Thanks for sharing your struggles – you are certainly not alone.
Oh goodness, I know exactly how you feel… Thank you (as always) for being so honest with your readers.
to Him who is able to do exceedingly more than all you can ask or imagine…He is your tooth picks…He will lift you on wings of eagles…He will not let you be crushed….He will never leave you. You have a gift….just keep layin' it out there and He will take care of the rest. I love you!
I've been feeling pretty saggy myself lately. We still haven't unpacked our christmas presents. They're just stacked on our dining room table…or strewn across the floor. Its not that they're bad presents, they're great presents, I just can make myself put them away!
I love reading your blog because I can totally relate to everything you say! Its nice to know I'm not the only one going through this stuff. Keep up the good work!
*wish we could have seen you and Adelle this visit, but it was nice seeing Josh!