That First Prayer

What would it be like if motherhood was my job – like the ultimate job that I’d hope and worked for my whole life – that tone I’d gone to school for, the one that energized me and made me feel alive? What would it look like if my focus, my heart, my energy went entirely into loving Josh and our kids well? How would our home change if I served them day in and day out without demands or lost tempers or expectations? What would it look like if I surrendered myself entirely to my birthright? To being a wife, a mother, a writer? What if I didn’t sell those things away for that which was right in front of me, that which numbs needs and, incidentally, God-given passion?

 
Lord, all I want is you and your sovereign, good plan. I don’t want what if’s and not enough and someday whens. I want Jesus right here and right now. Is Jesus worth it? Turn back and repent so that your sins may be wiped away, that seasons of refreshing may come from he presence of the Lord. You are worthy. I want you more than coffee, social media, and TV. I want your blessing, your favor, your plan, and your glory. I want a marriage that thrives and mirrors your relationship with the church. I want children who cling to your Word, who last it up like honey and take it as their own. I want to write from the rawest pieces of my life so that other women might feel less alone. More than anything, I yearn for your presence – and I can see that self has crept through my body like a cancer.
 
And what is there to do when disease has seeped in and taken root – why, starve it out of course, and beg God to heal you. So, for a bit, I stopped drinking coffee or using any type of social media. I trimmed my TV viewing way back, and I have to be honest – it was like the veil slowly lifted. 

More on that next week. Join me on my Instagram account and on my Facebook page this weekend for silly mama fun! 

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