It’s more than fear that keeps me from dreaming. It’s just…life. It’s mornings in the library, two little girls in tow, that are so horrific you are driven to Ruffles and Ranch…and two bags of chocolate. It’s sitting at the lunch table repeating over and over to yourself, “The goal here is not to hurt anyone before nap time. Just make it to nap time without inflicting any wounds.” It’s planning on a little down time reading and NOT moving just so that your mind and heart and swollen body can reset, but instead winding up with a squirmy, whiny toddler in your lap. It’s compassion for the bloody toe-nailed, dramatic four year old. It’s being so tired that you pick a fight with your husband because this is OBVIOUSLY someone’s fault that is not me. Obviously.
Who has time to wistfully and whimsically dream and pray and feel excited?
I get this. I battle this. I live in this.
But as I read Hebrews 10:36-39, I am reminded that I was not created to “shrink back.” I was created to believe…and be saved. To believe. To take a step when there is a step to take and to believe that God is handling the rest while I pour water into the urns that are my children, water into the urn that is my marriage, water into the urns that are my dreams. Silently, unseen – He is making it all into a wine that strikes people as better than what they are accustomed to.
We must not shrink back under the weight of these monotonous everydays that Satan is working to take from us. We must believe. I must believe. I must. That there is wine fermenting, and it is gooood but it gets better with my every “Yes” to faith.
So today? Today I will do my best to dream anyway. I will push forward to laugh and love and play and do all that I can do to glorify God and point my man and my babies toward Him in this moment.
And all the while I will fight to believe that He is handling the part where I don’t have the right ingredients to make it come out beautiful.