I’ve found myself numbing. Half-living. Looking for ways to escape my reality.
Baby, I’ve been here before. I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor.
And last night in grace I remembered what it looks like to live, live. To BE in life. To embrace the victories and losses. The joy and suffering. The love and loss. Not to look for ways to be out of it. To live in between the highs and lows so that the highs can’t fool me into thinking that the lows are on a permanent vacation.
Someone actually suggested that I might be depressed. And if I didn’t know my own pattern. If I had never walked this very floor, I might have believed that. But I know what this is. This is me giving up. Retreating from life because I feel too lonely. Too inadequate. Too broken. This is me turning to numbness because the feeling of it all feels a little too much.
Last night I found myself examining…how do I snap out if it? Enough is enough. I don’t want to live this way.
And then I remembered that I do believe that the Holy Spirit lives within me. The very power of God is waiting for me to ask Him to snap me out of it! To acknowledge that I cannot do it alone. I never say it out loud, you know, that I CAN do it alone. But every action screams that I am self-sufficient.
There are so many things I KNOW as truth but do not LIVE as truth.
So last night I simply told Jesus that I am struggling. That I don’t know how to do this. That I’m weary and tired and numb. And then I set my alarm an hour earlier so that I could start my day repeating that same prayer – acknowledging my own not good enough-ness and asking Him for grace enough for it all. And I spent time in His Word. Because it is life and truth and goodness when I am too blind to see it. It is real and powerful and it changes me somehow.
And if I want to continue to live, live…I’ll probably have to ask again in an hour. And then again around lunch. And certainly every morning for the rest of my life. The daily acknowledgement of our insufficiency coupled with the daily asking God for grace enough is vital to my survival.
And that’s all. I just wanted you all to know that if you look for ways to fill your day – to escape your own reality – to live just outside truth in your life. I’m there. And the only thing that has ever made me embrace life again is the embracing of my own weakness and the humble leaning on of our Savior.
Keep on keepin’ it down and dirty. Love y’all like crazy!