So, I’ve told you all about our family. About Marilee and Adelle and how they’re growing and changing. I figured I may as well tell you about how I’m growing and changing, too. I wish it was all glow-y and fuzzy and as simple as choosing to be brave enough to ride the pony. Mostly I feel like this all of the time:

My lessons seem to involve things that are a bit more life altering than pony-riding, but I suppose – if you stop and consider the relative significance, I’m no different than Adelle – standing at the end of the line considering whether or not I can muster up the courage while God quietly whispers words of “You can” into my ear.

I had a meltdown yesterday. The kind where you slam drawers and bang dishes around just because you’re ticked and you want everyone to know it. I yelled at Josh and pretty much made everyone’s afternoon super enjoyable. It was an epic fail. It’s been building for several days now – the panic of handling life as we know it. Yesterday was my flailing day – the “No, I will not get on the back of this massive creature and actually ride it,” moment.

What is life as we know it? It’s a defiant but magnificent three year old. It’s a miracle of an infant whose heart’s health depends upon whether or not I give her medicine at the right times. It’s a marriage that’s been hanging out on the back burner since somewhere around July. It’s a house in boxes. It’s that battle with loneliness that seems to linger on forever – the heart sting that strikes every time I see pictures of family together or walk down Euston and see someone else living in The Harper’s house. It’s the awareness that a great deal of work lies ahead of us if we are to build more family-like relationships here. It’s hard.

It’s also resting in a relationship with a man who has been my best friend since we were sixteen – back burner or no, we are in this for the long haul. It’s an upcoming trip to Louisiana that will refill my community tank, at least for a little while. It’s that three year old that makes us laugh daily and that infant whose heart is doing just fine. It’s parents who will make the fourteen hour drive to help us move! It’s a beautiful new home that we get to call our own and USE to build that community we long for.

*Here’s the “horse” story I am referencing just in case you have no idea what I was talking about!

On and on it goes – back and forth, back and forth – the hard and the good. My fears, God’s reassurances. And today? Today I’m going to be brave. Today I’m going to search for Joy. Today I’m climbing on the horse.